I went into darts tonight to do the cooking.  On the menu was a fan favorite, Burgers in Sauce.  After the burgers were fried, and while they were soaking in the sauce, I went through the bar to chat with some of the darters.  In doing so, I ran into Josh Mall.  Oddly, he was not his chipper self.  Instead, he seemed . . . downtrodden.  It was almost as though his dog had left him for another girl.

Here’s a picture of our lad, smiling for the camera . .

He’s the good-looking guy on the left.  The other good-looking guy was his dart partner for the day, Bumper.  Do you see how he’s usually a smiling fellow?

So I said to him “Hello there Josh Mall, why so glum?  Having problems with puddles again?”  He said “No, we’ve put that behind us.  But something else is bothering me.”

“Do tell my friend”, I said.  Josh replied “You know how I’ve always secretly wanted to do a feature story for GQ on the revelry of the coal region drinking scene - you know, the corner bars, the fire companies, the party spots in the bush, all the great places that friends meet and share the joy that is life.  And a few beers?”.

I said “No”. 

 ”Hmmm” he said.  “Come to think of it, it was a pretty good secret.”

“Indeed”, I replied. 

His sorrow was too much to contain, and once he began to speak, I feared a monologue I could not stop was about to begin.  My attempts to derail him are presented in parenthesis for greater clarity. 

“I need to be noticed. (Ok). 

Do you know what I did this morning? (Yes.) 

Besides that. (Uh - what?)

I got online and googled myself (Sounds like a personal issue Josh)

And I couldn’t find myself!! (I’m certain that’s a personal issue.  Maybe there’s someone you can talk to about this, your doctor, a clergyman?)

How will the established media ever find me if they can’t simply go to google and type in “Josh Mall” and have ME come up? (You can call them, and say something like  - Hey, I’m Josh Mall, millionaire.  I own a mansion and a yacht.  Maybe kinda see how that goes)

But, he wouldn’t stop.  Finally I told him that if you have a home on the internet at Dorkos.com, then google will find you.  Whether or not they like you is really going to depend on a lot of things - like whether they’ve seen those pictures of you at the Sonny’s two weeks ago.  If you can keep that from them, you might stand a chance.

Of course if they find out you ride a rice grinder, it’s all over.  Maybe it’s not a sinking ship as far as google is concerned, but GQ loves a Harley Man.  If that cat gets out, you might do better interviewing for a chair on The View.